For the last good while I haven’t written very much about my faith. That is largely due to the fact that I haven’t had much of it. I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been quite angry with GOD. Not in the loud and apparent way you can be when something awful happens. But in the same way resentment can be harbored  in any long-term relationship, it has been building up in mine with Christ. It happened so quietly, I didn’t even realize anything was wrong.

And much like any relationship that slips slowly away, it gets harder and harder to pick up the phone when habitual communications cease.

I’ve been finding it difficult to be forgiving, graceful, loving, patient; the laundry list of things that go with the uninvited Spirit of GOD. But I think the worst of all the voids has been hope.

Being hopeful is one of the most difficult things for me to do without GOD. I lose perspective and motivation. I stop doing things that are helpful because I stop seeing the point. I get so dragged down by my chemical emotions I forget about the rational ones. I forget that things are okay, that I’m not sinking, that people can be good and genuine, and that my life has meaning. I guess, I forget all the things that most people remember on Christmas Day.

I’m not sure if anyone has missed my posts about what GOD is doing in my life. Recently, it’s been easier to hide behind what’s common and clinical, describing symptoms and difficulites of my disease, instead of dealing with the issues of the soul. Last week was the beginning. I realized how bottled up and untrusting I am without Divine Direction. This week, I’m unpacking the things I’ve missed about being united with a higher power.

Starting soon, I’ll be facilitating a small group through the Alpha program. It is a wonderful curriculum that walks us through the basics of the Christian Faith. Much like the usual humor of GOD, the leader is most in need of the lessons. I am looking forward to it; to reminding myself of the character of the GOD I serve.

In my frustration over not getting better as quickly as I would like, I have glossed over perhaps the most important piece of the picture of wellness: my spirit.

In the new testament there is an overlooked bit of logic, if without love we are like a noisy gong and GOD is love, then without Him, our words are meaningless and our toil foolish.

I know that I have overwhelming felt both the former and the latter.

*Learn more about the Alpha program here: www.alphausa.org  *

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/128281807@N03/15408673003″>Focus on God</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>

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